…Switzerland is expensive. But it’s refreshing to get a reminder of the good old days before the Euro where countries had to use their currencies to describe an important facet of their personalities. eg.the Swiss Franc (for their bluntness), the Dutch guilder (for their love of unions), the Estonian kroon (for their well known performance in Eurovision), the Deutsche Mark (I guess for their earlier fondness of labelling things…houses etc), the Latvian lats (I assume for their love of the gym) and of course the Italian Leerer (self explanatory).

Our first stop in Switzerland was in Bern on a Sunday. Yep, a weekend with Bernese. But the joke was on us….. it was the only rain for the trip and as I said a Sunday…in Europe. Even the churches were closed. But I guess that’s Bern for you…what am I gonna do. Bern for you.

We did manage to meet the town’s namesake, their pet brown bear who they now keep in a vegetated enclosure on the side of the river. The poor thing used to live in a hole in the ground at the end of the bridge, with just a few bear necessities, but this changed after what I imagine were very well planned and timed protests…unlikely to have been on a Sunday.

From the capital we trekked (trained) into the Alps to the hillside town of Wengen. We stayed in the first hotel in town that must once have been something majestic…at least it still had good views. The lights in the hotel were on timers so it was pitch black inside; there was no hot water past breakfast; when I asked how the heating in the room worked I was informed “it doesn’t, we’ve switched them all off…but we gave you extra blankets”; the fridge had clearly been removed from the room so you couldn’t store any food (cheese obviously); and the restaurant was closed. Despite the freezing cold, the Swiss still know how to Bern you.

It was thanks to the same coldness and some Aussie ingenuity (driven by a craving for morning mimosas) that led us to turn one of our 2 balconies into a makeshift overnight refrigerator. So after having a pizza for dinner on the first night ($200) we were able to have our cheese dinner on the balcony on the second night. Lea really loved all the Swiss cheeses, however, James was still able to pick holes in some of them.

We visited Murren, Grindelwald, Kleine Scheidegg and had a beer under a waterfall in Lauterbrunnen and we thoroughly enjoyed this stunning part of the world. From there, we spent a night in Lucerne, where we jumped on a 2 hour cruise just as the weather turned sour, but saved the day with a brilliant dinner next to the river looking at the wooden bridge and the sun setting in a pink sky over the church.

Our final destination in Switzerland, and for the holiday, was in Zurich. We took the long way there, spending another 2 hours on a boat in, this time, glorious weather, followed by a scenic train journey that had Lea thinking existential questions such as, “what does a dog do if it needs to wiz on the train?” Really makes you think…what about the poo! Before Zurich, we had been feeling a little neutral about the Swiss, but this city turned us around. It was fun, vibrant, beautiful, and had more bars than people.

Final ‘things about Europe’:

• The Swiss might not be in the EU, but seem to be still part of the coordinated 7am smashing of bottles across the continent…I wonder if that’s the same in all non EU countries…

We went for the straight up, no nonsense blog title this time. Thinking about the Alsatian route we travelled along of course had Lea (or someone) suggesting things like, “Doggy Style“, which is where James drew the line. We want to keep this one above board and don‘t want people distracted by thinking about the French kissing a German shepherd…or worried about who would then would look after the sheep??

Anyway, they say any route is better than none, but a route des vins is even better! This was a wine and culinary journey through stunning villages and rolling vines. We had expected Alsatian cuisine to be a bit like Dalmatian cuisine…with less spots…but were pleasantly surprised. I was thinking it would mostly be choosing between an Alsatian stew and a pork knuckle sandwich…and faced with that, I‘d almost choose the knuckle sandwich.

Our first meal was in an old, traditional restaurant in Strasbourg. We both chose the coq au vin, as it‘s quite different in this part of France. Whereas is most areas coq au vin is red, it turns out Alsatian coqs come with a white sauce. Having been made with Riesling.

The next day was our first full day in France, Strasbourg, and quelle surprise, also the first “full cheese day“…and first day of James implementing his highly developed bowel management strategy. The first part of the plan involved skipping breakfast (apart from mimosas…it is France still) and heading straight to the all you can eat fondue lunch. After “sharing“ a few fondues (and prospective tears for the following morning), Lea was keen to visit the neighbouring cheese shop to invest in dinner. Does this seem like a girl who had ALL the cheese she could eat??

Trying to work off some of the cheese, we embarked on a walking tour of this town that is still struggling with identity disorder, but beginning to embrace it. Lea, high on cheese, nerded out by actually by actually answering a question from a tour guide going against our usual status of: please don’t notice we’re here!!! She managed to notice that one of the more important building was designed in classic French style although having been remodelled with motifs of German composers. Still sweating, all James wanted to say was: “why couldn’t Mozart find his teacher?? Because he was Haydn.“ But every time he opened his mouth a little bit of cheese came out. Oh…we also had cheese for dinner.

Other highlights of this town included seeing a kid chuck a tanty and throw a croissant across the deck at a complete stranger reminding you of centuries of French military strategy. We also got to listen to a bunch of med students sing “Lemon tree“ after running through a fountain, making James wonder: couldn‘t they have just pissed in the fountain?? After this we thought it best to leave our voyeuristic balcony, and walk around town with an ice cream. An idea from Lea that couldn‘t have been more perfect if it was…parfait.

After Strasbourg we picked up our “car“ (a lime Fiat 500) and hit the route des vins. Stopping in Obernai, Barr (which was basically closed, we probably should have guessed from the name) and had some of the best full French speaking experiences ever in the stunning town of Mittelbergsheim.

We overnighted in Riquwehr where we took a bottle (or two) of the local grand crus into the vines on the hill overlooking the village….and ate some cheese. Desperate for more cheese, the following day we stopped in Eguisheim (near the town Munster known for it‘s feety smelling cheese). Needless to say, James was somehow talked into ordering the Tarte Flambée…with Munster. There were more Munsters in the room than the last time Herman and his hot daughter were on set…and twice as smelly! Even the French guy next to me checked his own pits. NB: It turns out Tarte Flambée translates as Singed Tart….we had half expected our waitress to come out holding a candle.

Rounding out our time in la route des vins, we had two nights in Colmar. Having broken an arm of her sunnies, Lea managed to rock the single arm balance for some time. Amazingly she didn‘t attract a single sideways glance…although she sure gave plenty. Colmar was incredible. We had an AirBNB with a view over the old town that made us feel like we lived there (read: had on overn we could cook croissants with tomatoes….and cheese). We also went to our only Michelin starred restaurant of the trip, where the highlight was ordering a rather pricey (you have no choice) bottle of wine, having not one, but 2 “sommeliers“ taste it in the corner and then have the gaul (intended) to ask if I wanted to taste. The response: “Haven‘t you already? Is it corked? No, then what could I say so “Just pour away.“ Got us off to a great start. Complementing this experience was a super sweet wine bar, where on our last night the boss wouldn‘t let us leave after paying without forcing us to drink some 20 year old brown stuff he whipped out (not sexual) based on the weird stuff we‘d been ordering before that. #BAF

More from the series, “Things you can learn from Europe“:

• Separate doonas are the bomb!!! Why hasn‘t that moved to Aus? You get hot, put one leg out. You get really hot…PUT THE OTHER LEG OUT!!
• Mind the gap. With separate doonas sometimes comes separate beds romantically shoved together. Careful not to let any dangly bits hang in the gap or any sudden movement could ruin the rest of your trip.

We began our first week of the holiday in the amazing country of Germany and were so excited that we didn‘t ‘need‘ to see anything, thus only visited a few select towns:

• Bingen, Bernkastel-Kues, Traben-Trabach, Kröv, Cochem, Beilstein, Burg Eltz, Boppard, Oberwesel, Sankt Goar, Bacharach, Dinkelsbuhl, Rothenburg, Nuremburg and Wurzburg!

Our first stop in Bingen was to catch a glimpse of the mighty Rhine and get a quick snack (although it’s tough to stop at one in Bingen) before moseying onto the Moselle. After winding our way into the valley through more hairpins than Lea would use in a week in Bali, we arrived at the twin town of Bernkastel-Kues which was so stunning we couldn‘t help but stop by for a wine in a cute wine shop opposite a restaurant with a sign saying “Bakhaus ruf“. Although being fully aware of the impact the German and French diets (covering the three main food groups from white, to yellow to brown) would have on me over the coming weeks and being overly prepared this time, it was still a little early to go the Bakhus ruf option on day 1.

Cochem (pronounced a little like Kokomo, but without the ‘o‘ and the get their fast aspects) was our first hotel location. After many back-and-forths with the manager to organise a meeting time and 24 hours travelling we arrived to see the potential of the view from our room only to end up standing in the sun for an hour waiting to be emailed an entry code, but let‘s save the rant and just say it was the only…Coch-up we experienced as our balcony was certainly worth the wait. Although there could have been more Coch-ups had we chosen to eat at the nearby Dudelsack restaurant…and had a nut allergy. By (partial) coincidence there was a wine festival happening in Cochem, in which we managed to get into the spirit and learned quickly that when one orders dry white wine in Germany you get 3 of them! We loved the festival so much that we spent most of our time on the Moselle in Cochem, apart from one ferry trip to the cute town of Beilstein, including passing through a really cool lock. But I am a bit biased as locks really do float my boat…

En route to our stay in a castle on the Rhine, we visited Burg Eltz, one of the best kept we‘ve seen so far. It was hidden away (ie not much Eltz around) and certainly a challenge to find, including a hike through the forest that had Lea wishing she had brought breadcrumbs and also saying: “I guess if we’re following what everyone else is doing it must be the right thing?“, giving James the chance to reply: “I think you’re not the first person to say that in Germany.“

There‘s not much else to say about staying in our castle that saying we stayed in a castle doesn‘t capture. We travelled up and down the river, from Oberwesel to Sankt Goar to Bacharach…n bach, hoping to try ein klein fine Rhine wine…or zvei and when really pushing the dry wine we were introduced to the term diabetic wine. Those Germans really do have a word for everything. Somewhat surprisingly our favourite wines from the region were the Spatburgunders. Trust the German marketing department to turn the sexy sounding Pinot Noir into something that sounds like you’ve coughed up your late night fast food fix.

From the Rhine we travelled to the Romantic Road region, stopping in Dinkelsbuhl before arriving in Rothenburg. Super cool town where we had two of the best German meal experiences ever, and two of the wurst for Lea. We didn’t know what Camembert Bavarian style was before, but it was the first time I’ve seen Lea not finish a cheese ever!! And we had Lea realise the bread dumpling was just a “Big glob of moistened bread that they’ve clumped together“. Needless to say, when Lea gets the chance of seeing a German menu and and English menu side by side it‘s like discovering the Rosetta stone!

For a change of pace from all the romance, we headed to Nuremburg for a day trip. This place was decimated in WWII, about 9 times, and is still being rebuilt, which made driving into the center of town a bit of a…trial. And also made James a bit self conscious about wearing a shirt covered in turtles. I think they‘ve seen enough shells already. We did a great tour of the town and visited the Documentation Centre built in the to-be Nazi congress building which aims to describe how the movement evolved, was able to come to power and keep it. There were lessons about the sentiment generated post WWI with the tough treatment of Germany in the aftermath, in summary: two wrongs can sometimes make a Reich.

We also visited Zeppelin field where the party held their rallies. It was a little intense so I tried to make a joke about the party having been given so much power by President Hindenburg having climbed the the stairway to heaven, but I’m sure it would have gone down like a lead balloon…ie a lead Zeppelin…Led Zeppelin…Stairway to Heaven….the Hindenburg. Werk with me hier volks.

Our final destination in Germany was Wurzburg. Yes, we saved the Wurzburg for last…burg. We accidentally stumbled on another wine festival, stumbled to a great dinner, stumbled back to the festival and finally came to heading towards Frankfurt airport at 180km/hr the next day to fly out.

What a really wunderbar time we had in Germany…again. There is so much more you can learn on these trips like:

• Kunst museums aren‘t as exciting as they sound

• It‘s intimidating to only have one or two songs memorised by heart when so much here is verboten

• The appeal of European pillows remains a mystery

• An American saying Brits are too literal because the pronounce Jaguar with 3 syllables isn‘t funny anymore, and

• Sitting in the square watching your beer for wasps and people watching can be the same thing…particularly in a Lutheran country.