We left Vic Falls for Zambia, and only 9 short hours later we made it to our camp. After hearing so many times that we’d be leaving “just now” it made me wonder whether my iPhone is actually taking the piss out of me. When it shows emails “updated just now”, does it mean “now now” or whenever it feels like it? Or is it just about to start handwriting all the messages out instead?

Our first stop in Zam was just outside the Lower Zambezi national park. With a beautiful river front location and a head of catering so lovely and so hot, we couldn’t possibly tell her how god awful the food was, Sometimes all inclusive doesn’t work out…especially at the awkward moment at the end when they present you a bill and you realise they’ve tracked every drink you’ve had for 3 days. #awkward.  But, TIA, so when you show a piece of paper with printed type that says “all inclusive” you get a “sorry, my fault boss”. Boom!!

With a determination to make the most of our last days in Africa we tried all the Activities. From the standard drive, to a walk, canoeing, and we even went fishing…twice! Lea, fishing, wow!

On the drive, after seeing many anti-poaching Rangers (and still feeling guilty about the eggs Benedict), I asked our guide where they stored the tusks of elephants that die naturally. Apparently they have a massive storage shed, which makes sense as we all know that a country with lots of ivory is less likely to hurt elephants than a country whose ivory supplies are low.

We watched two male lions snooze under a tree before driving several metres away to have tea…because you simply can’t get out of having tea. While tea…ing we saw the vultures start to circle and perch in a neighbouring tree. A return to the vehicles and investigation later we tracked marks to find dead Impala in the bushes. And just as we did, the lions turned up looking for the same thing, having just wandered trying our “safe” tea spot. WHY SO MUCH TEA!!? We watched them try to climb the trees in search for the kill and it was completely enthralling.

Our walk made us realise that you shouldn’t waste time driving around looking for elephants, because as soon as you go out on foot they’re EVERYWHERE!! Luckily one guide was wearing camo and had a gun and one had a massive stick…I guess I was to rely on impressing any would be attackers with my lovely Seamaster or repelling them with my recently soiled undergarments. Two hours in to the walk made us realise that a two hour walk means two hours out, then head back. Only 100 elephants to hide from (again), but I’m sure we’ll be back…just now.

The first fishing trip (on the Zambezi!!) was stunning, but fruitless…or at least fishless as we had lemon in the G&Ts. We couldn’t even catch jungle fever. The second time out we were much more lucky as even James with only one hand (you’ll find out why) brought in a couple of 6 pound tiger fish.

The canoe ride was breathtaking and we can highly recommend it, although just a tip: take it easy on the all inclusive as you may regret it slightly when your canoe bottoms out just as you pass a giant hippo jumping out of his bed and curious lion on the banks.

On our final night around the fire, an ever so slightly intoxicated James mentioned something had bitten him on the arm. Never mind let’s just sleep it off. Queue the 5am “holy crap, I can’t move my arm” panic attacks. Having seen Lea stung by a scorpion I decided it was high time I got some attention from what may or may not have been the elusive flying ant…an ant. An ant paralysed my arm. Having explained to Lea the symptoms she can confirm it was actually a scorpion…a MASSIVE one.  Scorpions 2, Stewarts 0.  As much pain as I’m in, I can at least be happy it wasn’t on my face. And now I know if I ever really need a brain challenge and can’t find a sudoku or crossword, going to the loo and wiping with the other hand is a good way to get those neurones working.

We’re now at our final location just up the river. Two more nights left, Lea’s having an undeserved nap, while I’m on the deck, watching the hippos, bashing a keyboard with one hand (because trying to dictate what’s going on up here would be a nightmare) and having an undeserved  G&T. We don’t have a private pool this time, we have a private camp! Just the 15 odd staff and us.

Hopefully this is the last you’ll hear from us…because we’d be very happy to have the next two nights as uneventful as possible.

Thanks for listening,

James and Lea

PS-our final stop is amazing, we just had dinner over the river with champagne cos it’s our honeymoon.  I hope we find another amazing excuse to come back to Africa.  If not maybe we’ll just go away on a whim…a whim away….

We finally made it to ‘Babwe. The scene of the event we’ve been waiting for, the wedding of Scott and Katherine. A country of such generous people that not only was I offered an exchange rate of ZIM$250 billion to US$2, I was quickly given twice as good a rate just because it was my “lucky day”! From a stranger who was now “my friend”! A land of GIfts, Fortunes, Beautys and lovely Memorys…and those are just peoples’ names.

But before the wedding we had 2 nights down in Hwange National Park.  If we could plan it all again, we probably would have started the trip with the wedding, as adding 8 days of all inclusive food and open bars into a suit already bought 7kg’s ago wasn’t a great idea. We were lucky enough to share the camp with fellow wedding attendees and even true honeymooners, Dave and Sally. I hope they would also say they were lucky to share their honeymoon with us.  To be on safari with fellow Perthites was truly bizarre…

Hwange was beautiful, but not quite as bountiful as Botswana. We spent a number of drives just looking at birds. And by now we’d seen enough of all these flocking birds everywhere. Having said that, we did get extremely lucky on our first afternoon drive when we managed to see two lionesses with cubs just as we got back to camp. Then, on the late night drive, we went looking for the male we could hear in the background. He was Jericho, who previously had an alliance with Cecil. We didn’t find him, instead we saw that the lionesses had left their cubs alone…and then our car proceeded to break down, including loss of radio comms, between where they were and where he was…with a guide who’d previously said she managed to get lost, without water or petrol in the Kalahari…queue an hour of hysterical, petrified giggling from 6 pickled Australians as we waited for rescue in the pitch black jungle.

We did manage to see Jericho on our final night drive, and it was worth it. Majestic, beautiful, intimidating with just a touch of cuddliness. He gave us a mighty roar and if we never see lions again, we’ve done pretty well. There was also an incredible experience with a cheetah who likes to hang out next to the camp. We watched him watching us watching him from only 10m away.  Apparently not a threat to humans due to their meagre 30kg being no match for our…kg.

It was in Hwange, getting attacked by mozzies, that we realised the problem…. The more repellent you put on, the more disgusting you feel, and the more likely you are to rub it all off when someone hands you to a cold, wet towel with tongs…which is like every 5 minutes.

After Hwange, it was a case of farewell Liam Sutherland and welcome James Stewart as we checked in once again at the grand old lady, the Vic Falls Hotel. Having previously (in 2010!) confirmed there’s nothing more confusing to an African than an unmarried girl booking a hotel room under her own name, it was nice to finally be James rather than Liam.

The falls were in full roar, the hotel was immaculate, and the wedding setting spectacular. The bride and groom were beaming and gorgeous as always. It was their day so I won’t spoil it by publishing any details or too many photos. However, we thank them from the bottom of our hearts for including us and giving us the chance to be back on this amazing continent. Having organised a wedding in Tassie from a distance, and having tried to order G&Ts from the staff in the bar at VFH, we have the utmost respect for what they put together.

The wedding weekend also included a luxury “all inclusive” sunset cruise on the Zambezi, where for some reason, all the groomsmen dressed up like they were being interviewed for a vacant position in the Jo’berg airport newsagency.  This was followed by a feast for the tastebuds and ears as we dined at the Boma in an attempt to keep the local warthog population down.  Our final night with friends in Zim was spent watching an African sunset with elephants (that either coincidentally or suspected appeared on queue) and a sunset cocktail, which ironically turned up closer to sunrise. TIA.

With B to Z complete, it’s now off to Z….Zambia, to hear why the falls are better viewed from their side.

—————————–

It’s with an extremely heavy heart I write this, the other grand old lady to whom I refer in the header is my grandmother, my father’s mother, Mrs Marion (Doddie) Stewart. This incredible journey we’re on was put into greater perspective as we learned of her ill health and subsequent passing while staying in the Victoria Falls Hotel.

She taught me everything I know about: cupcakes, custard, butter, cinnamon soldiers, marmite soldiers, mahjong, rummy, patience, cats, magpies (the birds…she was a fervent Essendon girl), mini golf and hankies. She was a tough lady, born into a world war, a child through the depression, married as another world war broke out, was widowed far too young and stayed as such for more than half of her life.

She was a lioness of a mother, a devoted grandmother and great-grandmother. I’m not sad for her, she’s where she wants to be. I am, however, so desperately sad and sorry not to be with and supporting my family at this time. We wIll continue on our adventure with a renewed appreciation of these incredible experiences that she, and most others, never had the chance to do, despite over 98 years on earth.

RIP Mrs. M M Stewart (Doddie), 1918-2016

After an incredible experience in the delta, including numerous sightings and two near death experiences we arrived in Chobe where we quickly informed our guide he had his work cut out to top what we’d just experienced.  He didn’t seem worried.

We shared our guide and vehicle with a brother and sister (in their forties) from Israel, who’d brought their parents over to go to. 90th in Cape Town. The siblings were lovely and the parents…..the parents made you realise that stereotypes exist for a reason. It certainly made it a bit awkward for James to order bacon at breakfast, but Lea had no qualms when talking about Perth finally opening shops on Sundays, because what backwards place would ever shut things down for a day over the weekend!?

The sister did question our guide on why they bothered having artificial borders separating the countries, what’s the difference anyway? Why not just have one big country called Africa?? Why can’t everybody just get along!!!??? Did we mention where they were from? I think she might have been high on soda stream……

Anyway borders were the least of our troubles. The father didn’t even know what country were in…which may help to explain that when less than two metres away from a real, live lion he decided to start growling at the thing!!! Not only that, after being told off for attempting to kill us all, he started clapping at them, BECAUSE HE “JUST WANTED THEM TO LOOK AT ME!!!” Then…then the Mother’s phone started ringing…after a few rings, and several glares from the lions she decided to get it out of her bag….no, not to turn it off, but to pass it around, still ringing, to see if anyone wanted to speak to this potential murderer of 7. Oy vey!

Right, moving on eh? Because I don’t think we did stereotypes any good either. Being the only ones drinking and sitting around the fire at night again. Even our house cleaner left us a note to PLEASE drink more water after cleaning up all the empty mini-gin and Amaretto bottles.

We had a truly special time at Chobe. The lodge was pure luxury, looking over the spectacular Chobe river, we had our first outdoor shower of the trip, Eric spoiled us / got us smashed every meal, the staff organised a bath covered in bubbles and flowers with Champagne to be ready when we returned from one of our sunset cruises for our…honeymoon, we ate Impala, kudu and crocodile, my girl got use of her whole face back, we watched a troop of traveling dancers and, obviously, we saw more lions.

Not only did we see the lions, but we saw them eating a buffalo, then later we saw a jackal come in for a taste, then we saw the vultures circle and pick the bones, then that night we came back to see the clean white bones, then the next day we came back to see nothing. A ginormous animal completely gone within 24 hours. It was such a ridiculous experience, that on our return it even had the Israeli father comment, “when’s lunch?” And the mother, “not so much with the bumps next time…”

We also saw a bazillion elephants, which included a parade of elephant, a dazzle of zebra and a journey of giraffe all together in the one shot and watched a hundred year storm roll in over the river, so big that not guests or staff managed to sleep…except us, thanks to Eric. I’ll let the photos do the rest and just stick to international diplomacy.

Thank you Botswana, we’ll be back. But now, it’s off to Zim!

After an amazing day with the elephants, we had left any further expectations of the Delta at the door…imaginary door…there are not doors or gates. But our subsequent game drives included: hyenas including their babies as we raided their den after dark…while they chewed on the front of the vehicle (we assume the Japanese at Toyota have designed hyena chewing in), more giraffes, heaps (the correct collective noun) of zebra, ostrich, a showing-off fish eagle and three wild dogs that our guide found in between a split “group” of those ever evasive impala (after he asked if we minded if we drove through the bush for a look and I made sure not to ask if he was barking up the wrong bush…) who we followed for about 25 minutes.
Oh, and while we watched the dogs, we heard the impressive sounds of lion in the distance and then spent a couple of hours tracking them down with no success. Apart from when we found a pride of 19 just lion around! I promise we ain’t lion (there you go Mum, two for you). You spend so much time looking for them, then once you’re several inches away…you’re ready to leave!!!! Thankfully, despite it being early afternoon, they were quite dozy….I somehow had the impression that in the jungle, the lions sleep at night…unless that’s just the mighty jungle.

At dinner, our chicken loving guide almost had us as he offered up the pre-eating sentiment of “ba boonup a tree”… Welcome to Africa, the birthplace of sarcasm…only fair, his name is Adam.

Anyway, it’s tough to imagine a better lion viewing experience. In fact the last Pride we saw on this scale was a parade in Hyde Park with lots more rainbows. I’m still not sure which was more scary. Either way, in both cases it’s good to always remember they’re more scared of you than you are of them.

(NB: most of the above was written under extreme intoxication…when Stewarts read “all drinks included” things can go terribly awry. I realise now how I must appear when inebriated and the only thing to do is apologise to the female of the species in general…and also for the horribly unfunny, self-indulgent travel blogs…)

Here we get the awful part this blog’s titled for. Or for which this blog is titled, if you’re the grammar police, of whom we know not one.

Unfortunately my poor, beautiful wife is of course a Scorpio. But lucky that she is, these weird and wonderful people seem to have somewhat of a tolerance to being stung in the face. Except that the tolerance they have is in fact zero. After a lovely swim and an incredible day, Lea was offered first shower by her caring, considerate, lovely husband. Completely unaware the towels were set up for a game of pass the parcel with a scorpion as the main prize…until, of course, hearing the screaming from the “bathroom” and seeing a somewhat squashed attacker in Lea’s towel…along with seeing sheer terror elsewhere.

Lea has always been the protector against the little terrors, but she’s never taken it to the extreme of using her beautiful face to end their annoying lives.

A (this) husband may tend to overreact to such things as he took the dead beast to the staff (as directed by the possibly dying wife, who still in control of a horrendous situation)…however, the overreaction seems justified as the camp manager came sprinting from his office and ran straight towards our tent…clearly not as hindered by just wearing a dressing gown as some of us were.

My brave traveler, not brave enough to be dragged naked through the camp by her cohabiting panic monkey, was left in too much pain to be able to go on her much awaited mokoro trip as the lovely manager fed her full of pain killers and antibiotics…and James full of gin. She did agree, for some reason, to go on a late, short game drive where all we saw was rain bucketing in to her face for an hour. Lucky we could think of the old saying when you’re hurt of, “just chuck some African water on it and you’ll be sweet as…eeeh rrra?”  We did actually see a little hare, who was getting ready to deliver chocolates the next day…Yay we saw a rabbit…

18 hours of facial paralysis later, Lea still agreed to go on the morning drive. And thanks to her pain tolerance we were able to track and finally find a leopard, although a brief glimpse the whole experience is what makes off track seafaring in the Delta truly incredible.

Not long post leopard, Lea’s facial paralysis was soon put in perspective on out flight from Timbukthree to Foknoosweir, as about half way through the second leg we plummeted ~100ft in half a second, nose first. Long enough to think “I knew I was going to die in Africa”, but not quite long enough to look at each other to say “I’ve had a wonderful life with you.” Our two “pilots” put a stop to their flirting and “water” drinking and actually put their hands off the controls to level us out with nothing more than a raised heartbeat and thankful we had free washing of pants at our next camp.

The next camp started interestingly as we were instructed to make sure we shake out our towels before use…………….thanks #scorpionface. But what an amazing camp, overlooking the Chobe River and Namibia. We started straight on lunch, served by a lovely young man named “Tray Knee”…well at least we thought he was, until we learned his name was Eric. Somewhat used to a darker skinned Eric getting us drunk, we soon fell in to old patterns as Lea passed out, both sides of her face asleep, and James drank a G&T in the outdoor shower…..  I think this place will suit us just fine.

More stories from Chobe to come.

Here we are, less than one full day in Africa and we already feel at home thanks to the beautiful people everywhere. But it’s not a surprise as, according to Merryl Streep, “we’re all Africans really…?” Really.

As soon* as we arrived we were whisked away on our first game drive. A lovely first glimpse of the flood plains, we saw plenty of Pumbas, a journey of giraffe and a herd of buffalo were the highlights. Dinner was a braai, cooked on the outside, we all sat at a long table after having been serenaded  by and then dancing with the many staff. When we asked, our guide informed us his favourite of the vegetables was the chicken.  Sitting around the fire after dinner one of our new friends (about 5 out of 9 guests seem to be teetotallers, meaning we only had 4 people to talk to) who must have been a muso (and a vegetarian from Munich…so double weird) was desperate to find a guitar without luck.  Having just met these people, I refrained from musing “surely with all these elephants there must at least be a piano somewhere?”

The expected highlight of the trip was thrust upon us on our first morning in the Okavango delta. Our elephant experience. Months of preparation, ie. Getting into elephant-like shape and character, didn’t prepare us for what will always be a high point in our lives.  In fact Lea even went as far as to say it was…”elephantastic”.   Hope she hadn’t been waiting long to use that one.

The morning started slowly, as we weren’t going on a safari, we could sleep in until 7…if you could sleep with all the amazing noises outside the tent…Lea sure could. We then had a lovely breakfast, Lea had her eggs scrambled and I had mine in omelette form…neither of us were game to order our eggs poached on our big elephant day.

I think the photos should speak for themselves, but let’s just say we had a couple of drinks at lunch and got a little trunk.

We also, unintentionally, had meat for lunch…on Good Friday. Sorry Jebus.  I think someone really needs to come over here and teach these Africans about Christianity.
*Of course by soon, we mean a quick shower and a double G&T…which you quickly work out becomes your standing order. No singles for you!

We’re currently the most overdressed people at Perf international (a feat that’s difficult to achieve…unless of course you wear sleeves made from anything other than ink) as we’d hoped to fool the check-in staff to think we’re cultured enough to get an upgrade. Well…holy crap, the full moon or maybe the sacrifice of our Saviour has finally paid off!!  We don’t know if it was the pith helmet, slacks, dress, boots or boobs, but who cares we’re in!!!!

What a way to start our next honeymoon!!! Doing some things we never haaa aaaaa aaaa aaaaa  aaaaaave dum du dum da da da daaaa #toto

Now, don’t call me yellow…(fever)……even though one of us was too scared to have any pre-trip needles. We are instead relying totally on aeroguard and G&Ts (taken separately…we asked about that) to battle the mossies. Unfortunately the same fear also led us to taking typhoid tablets instead of a jab, which, we later found out, come with a 90% chance of violent diarrhoea…and worse still (as confirmed by an unfortunate friend) are not 100% effective. So expected outcome, for ~92% of people, is violent diarrhoea. Sweet.

Somehow we BOTH beat the odds and were absolutely fine. So of course, being a former mathematician, I’ve calculated the chances of that occurring to be: really fu…very bloody lucky. All we can deduce is Lea has a sadistic doctor who wanted to scare her into getting the runs. Which James wouldn’t have minded too much, some help in getting down to peak travelling weight…rather than the actual peak mass situation he’s found himself in.

But enough about poo. Let’s talk prophylactics. It’s time to pop the first of our hallucinogens and hit the skies!  Fist stop Jburg, then to Maun, we’ll be coming in 12.30 flight…

We’ll try to keep in touch, as I’m sure our tents are fully wifi 4G enabled, after all This Is Africa…NOT AUstralia…