We made it! Wiping the dust and moths from our passports and 18 hours having the back of my chair punched didn’t dent out enthusiasm (much) to be in Europe (or at least, an island formerly in Europe).

Despite not having travelled to Europe for over 3 years and clearly standing out as a 40 year old backpacker, we were, nevertheless, determined to fit in like locals. However, the first test came on the tube ride from Heathrow. As the terminating stop of Cockfosters was repeated on loud speaker every minute was barely audible over the muffled giggles (from James).

We chose London way back in March as we knew there’d be no restrictions, and it became quickly apparent that they were working…EVERYBODY has “something”. It was only -5 degrees C on arrival, but, luckily for us, “felt like” -8.3 and the winter illness season was in full flight. So after the Cockfosters debacle, we decided the best way to fit it was to also catch…”something”. The Somethings didn’t stop us though as we packed as much into 2 weeks as we could. None more so than on the first day. We started with a walk around the still snow covered city, watching the sunrise over Southbank while next to the newly uncovered Elizabeth Tower/Big Ben, with barely another soul to be seen. And we dined in what turned out to be a club, with music so loud that even the youngest person in the group (by a decade) asked for it to be turned down. So in order to chat and catch up properly we migrated to a piano bar at the bottom of a casino, where we could hear each other perfectly as the temperamental pianist wouldn’t play unless there was dead silence…kind of a catch 22. The lack of music didn’t deter us, however…it was the gag reflexes from the overwhelming smell of urine that got us moving on.

We were surprised how well we managed with the jetlag on the way over. The only noticeable slip up was when we were riding a carousel (read: drinking on a carousel converted into a bar) in Hyde park and commenting on the future of nuclear fusion, pondering whether they were factoring in any upside on Helium…and not being of sound mind enough to pretend I said that on purpose.

After a big weekend with friends, we hit the trains, first target: Canterbury cathedral. Thankfully, Lea didn’t spontaneously combust in the Cathedral (as anticipated) but she did start uncontrollably sneezing, our first sign of the “somethings”. We saw more Christmas markets and managed to find a lovely pub with homemade pies, although Lea wasn’t game enough to try the pheasant and partridge suet pudding. (NB: pun made in real time and completely on purpose.) We then had the night free to hit up some more Christmas markets on the way to seeing Phantom of the Opera! Where I think I may have caught my “something” from the guy in front who was the first person I’ve seen continuously fold a live handkerchief. It was so amazing to be out in the world, surrounded by people again…and realising just how disgusting people are.

The next train trip was to Cambridge. We strolled the quiet town, found a pub and saw a guy precariously up a ladder leaning against Newton’s apple tree in an attempt to test out his law. Later that night we dined with friends at the first of several restaurants we could barely afford in a place we didn’t belong…”The Lea and James story.” Now I’m not sure how much Peking duck should cost but…no wait, yes I do…it shouldn’t cost that much, but we have it a quack and it was seriously delicious. On top of the price tag, and even though the English are generally quite discreet, we noticed, when it came to the 15% discretionary charge on every bill, they were positively gregarious! (To be fair, sometimes the percentage points weren’t that discrete, but a more rational 12.5. #semiaccuratemathsjokes)

The wilful neglect of body and bank continued the following day with a fancy brunch and a dinner sandwiching an amazing Panto, delivered with subtlety to aptly match it’s title, “Jack and the Beanstalk”.  Now I’m not a HUGE fan of penis jokes and puns, I find them quite hard to handle, but I’ve definitely put my panto hating days…behind me.  We rounded out the week before Christmas seeing a performance of Hamilton (I’m not sure the crowd cheering on the King was expected by the writers), touring the Tower, cruising the Portobello Road markets and getting our card skimmed at Covent garden.

After Christmas with new friends and no trains, we hit the road on a tour through Stonehenge; Bath, where it ironically rained on us; the Cheddar gorges (where Lea tried the cheese just so she could say it was gorgeous); some beautiful towns in the Cotswalds; Oxford; and even got to chase the grape, seeing our first ever vines in the UK!

When there was but One Day More left in the year, we closed out 2022 by seeing Les Mis!! So good we gave a standing ovation, made easier by having standing room only tickets. Our final day of the trip was the first day of the 2023 and it started with a bang, ended with a dong and had a roast in the middle. No, we didn’t go to another panto, we watched the fireworks over the London Eye, Sunday roasted at a pub and listened to Big Ben ring in the hour one last time.

Did I mention we went to a pub? We went to: Punch and Judy, the Lamb and Flag, Chandos, The Coach, Ye Ole Cheshire Cheese, Ye Old Mitre, Bunch of Grapes, the Roundhouse, the Crown, Woolpack, Mr Foggs, Churchill Arms, the Harp, Queens Arms, Head of the River, Turf Tavern, the Porch House (oldest pub in England), Duke of Wellington, Kings Arms, Back Lane Tavern, Star Inn, Lygon Arms, Red Lion, Noel Arms, Waldegrave Arms, Garricks Head, The Grapes, Coeur de Lion, Volunteer Rifleman’s Inn, Huntsman, Apres Ski bar, Sam Wellers, Pig and Fiddle, Labyrinth, Gordon’s Wine Bar, the Speaker, Nags Head, The Old Buttermarket, Bishops Finger, The Salisbury, The White Swan, Waxy O’Connor, Ye Grapes, Paxtons Head, the Eagle and the Prince Regent

*NB: The title is not a reference to the brothel down the road from where I grew up (which may actually have been Canterbury Tails..? But, rather, a shout out to Chaucer, who’d, I’m sure, would be mortified by my indiscriminate use of punctuation!!!!