We went for the straight up, no nonsense blog title this time. Thinking about the Alsatian route we travelled along of course had Lea (or someone) suggesting things like, “Doggy Style“, which is where James drew the line. We want to keep this one above board and don‘t want people distracted by thinking about the French kissing a German shepherd…or worried about who would then would look after the sheep??

Anyway, they say any route is better than none, but a route des vins is even better! This was a wine and culinary journey through stunning villages and rolling vines. We had expected Alsatian cuisine to be a bit like Dalmatian cuisine…with less spots…but were pleasantly surprised. I was thinking it would mostly be choosing between an Alsatian stew and a pork knuckle sandwich…and faced with that, I‘d almost choose the knuckle sandwich.

Our first meal was in an old, traditional restaurant in Strasbourg. We both chose the coq au vin, as it‘s quite different in this part of France. Whereas is most areas coq au vin is red, it turns out Alsatian coqs come with a white sauce. Having been made with Riesling.

The next day was our first full day in France, Strasbourg, and quelle surprise, also the first “full cheese day“…and first day of James implementing his highly developed bowel management strategy. The first part of the plan involved skipping breakfast (apart from mimosas…it is France still) and heading straight to the all you can eat fondue lunch. After “sharing“ a few fondues (and prospective tears for the following morning), Lea was keen to visit the neighbouring cheese shop to invest in dinner. Does this seem like a girl who had ALL the cheese she could eat??

Trying to work off some of the cheese, we embarked on a walking tour of this town that is still struggling with identity disorder, but beginning to embrace it. Lea, high on cheese, nerded out by actually by actually answering a question from a tour guide going against our usual status of: please don’t notice we’re here!!! She managed to notice that one of the more important building was designed in classic French style although having been remodelled with motifs of German composers. Still sweating, all James wanted to say was: “why couldn’t Mozart find his teacher?? Because he was Haydn.“ But every time he opened his mouth a little bit of cheese came out. Oh…we also had cheese for dinner.

Other highlights of this town included seeing a kid chuck a tanty and throw a croissant across the deck at a complete stranger reminding you of centuries of French military strategy. We also got to listen to a bunch of med students sing “Lemon tree“ after running through a fountain, making James wonder: couldn‘t they have just pissed in the fountain?? After this we thought it best to leave our voyeuristic balcony, and walk around town with an ice cream. An idea from Lea that couldn‘t have been more perfect if it was…parfait.

After Strasbourg we picked up our “car“ (a lime Fiat 500) and hit the route des vins. Stopping in Obernai, Barr (which was basically closed, we probably should have guessed from the name) and had some of the best full French speaking experiences ever in the stunning town of Mittelbergsheim.

We overnighted in Riquwehr where we took a bottle (or two) of the local grand crus into the vines on the hill overlooking the village….and ate some cheese. Desperate for more cheese, the following day we stopped in Eguisheim (near the town Munster known for it‘s feety smelling cheese). Needless to say, James was somehow talked into ordering the Tarte Flambée…with Munster. There were more Munsters in the room than the last time Herman and his hot daughter were on set…and twice as smelly! Even the French guy next to me checked his own pits. NB: It turns out Tarte Flambée translates as Singed Tart….we had half expected our waitress to come out holding a candle.

Rounding out our time in la route des vins, we had two nights in Colmar. Having broken an arm of her sunnies, Lea managed to rock the single arm balance for some time. Amazingly she didn‘t attract a single sideways glance…although she sure gave plenty. Colmar was incredible. We had an AirBNB with a view over the old town that made us feel like we lived there (read: had on overn we could cook croissants with tomatoes….and cheese). We also went to our only Michelin starred restaurant of the trip, where the highlight was ordering a rather pricey (you have no choice) bottle of wine, having not one, but 2 “sommeliers“ taste it in the corner and then have the gaul (intended) to ask if I wanted to taste. The response: “Haven‘t you already? Is it corked? No, then what could I say so “Just pour away.“ Got us off to a great start. Complementing this experience was a super sweet wine bar, where on our last night the boss wouldn‘t let us leave after paying without forcing us to drink some 20 year old brown stuff he whipped out (not sexual) based on the weird stuff we‘d been ordering before that. #BAF

More from the series, “Things you can learn from Europe“:

• Separate doonas are the bomb!!! Why hasn‘t that moved to Aus? You get hot, put one leg out. You get really hot…PUT THE OTHER LEG OUT!!
• Mind the gap. With separate doonas sometimes comes separate beds romantically shoved together. Careful not to let any dangly bits hang in the gap or any sudden movement could ruin the rest of your trip.