We left Vic Falls for Zambia, and only 9 short hours later we made it to our camp. After hearing so many times that we’d be leaving “just now” it made me wonder whether my iPhone is actually taking the piss out of me. When it shows emails “updated just now”, does it mean “now now” or whenever it feels like it? Or is it just about to start handwriting all the messages out instead?

Our first stop in Zam was just outside the Lower Zambezi national park. With a beautiful river front location and a head of catering so lovely and so hot, we couldn’t possibly tell her how god awful the food was, Sometimes all inclusive doesn’t work out…especially at the awkward moment at the end when they present you a bill and you realise they’ve tracked every drink you’ve had for 3 days. #awkward.  But, TIA, so when you show a piece of paper with printed type that says “all inclusive” you get a “sorry, my fault boss”. Boom!!

With a determination to make the most of our last days in Africa we tried all the Activities. From the standard drive, to a walk, canoeing, and we even went fishing…twice! Lea, fishing, wow!

On the drive, after seeing many anti-poaching Rangers (and still feeling guilty about the eggs Benedict), I asked our guide where they stored the tusks of elephants that die naturally. Apparently they have a massive storage shed, which makes sense as we all know that a country with lots of ivory is less likely to hurt elephants than a country whose ivory supplies are low.

We watched two male lions snooze under a tree before driving several metres away to have tea…because you simply can’t get out of having tea. While tea…ing we saw the vultures start to circle and perch in a neighbouring tree. A return to the vehicles and investigation later we tracked marks to find dead Impala in the bushes. And just as we did, the lions turned up looking for the same thing, having just wandered trying our “safe” tea spot. WHY SO MUCH TEA!!? We watched them try to climb the trees in search for the kill and it was completely enthralling.

Our walk made us realise that you shouldn’t waste time driving around looking for elephants, because as soon as you go out on foot they’re EVERYWHERE!! Luckily one guide was wearing camo and had a gun and one had a massive stick…I guess I was to rely on impressing any would be attackers with my lovely Seamaster or repelling them with my recently soiled undergarments. Two hours in to the walk made us realise that a two hour walk means two hours out, then head back. Only 100 elephants to hide from (again), but I’m sure we’ll be back…just now.

The first fishing trip (on the Zambezi!!) was stunning, but fruitless…or at least fishless as we had lemon in the G&Ts. We couldn’t even catch jungle fever. The second time out we were much more lucky as even James with only one hand (you’ll find out why) brought in a couple of 6 pound tiger fish.

The canoe ride was breathtaking and we can highly recommend it, although just a tip: take it easy on the all inclusive as you may regret it slightly when your canoe bottoms out just as you pass a giant hippo jumping out of his bed and curious lion on the banks.

On our final night around the fire, an ever so slightly intoxicated James mentioned something had bitten him on the arm. Never mind let’s just sleep it off. Queue the 5am “holy crap, I can’t move my arm” panic attacks. Having seen Lea stung by a scorpion I decided it was high time I got some attention from what may or may not have been the elusive flying ant…an ant. An ant paralysed my arm. Having explained to Lea the symptoms she can confirm it was actually a scorpion…a MASSIVE one.  Scorpions 2, Stewarts 0.  As much pain as I’m in, I can at least be happy it wasn’t on my face. And now I know if I ever really need a brain challenge and can’t find a sudoku or crossword, going to the loo and wiping with the other hand is a good way to get those neurones working.

We’re now at our final location just up the river. Two more nights left, Lea’s having an undeserved nap, while I’m on the deck, watching the hippos, bashing a keyboard with one hand (because trying to dictate what’s going on up here would be a nightmare) and having an undeserved  G&T. We don’t have a private pool this time, we have a private camp! Just the 15 odd staff and us.

Hopefully this is the last you’ll hear from us…because we’d be very happy to have the next two nights as uneventful as possible.

Thanks for listening,

James and Lea

PS-our final stop is amazing, we just had dinner over the river with champagne cos it’s our honeymoon.  I hope we find another amazing excuse to come back to Africa.  If not maybe we’ll just go away on a whim…a whim away….